Uncertain and Afraid

This week has been difficult, when I think about my scene work class. Rachel and I went in for a half-an-hour with Ken on Friday, and when we began I found out that he was in a really critical mind-frame.

I read one of Rachel's recent blog comments, and it may have been directed toward my situation. Ken pushed me, made me feel like my work sucked, and I allowed myself to break-down. I gave myself permission.

Emotions are complicated things, and while Ken's comments were intended to help me become a better actor, I was hurt by his methodology. I figured that when I quit customer service that I was done dealing with people's shit...I already know what the practical voice would say: "But you've got to prepare yourself for that kind of thing in the 'real world.'" All I ask in response is "Where does our humanity fit in, then?" Please don't call me dramatic, because all of this came at a time where I'm re-evaluating my core beliefs. I'm trying to find honesty in my life without sacrificing outward sociability. As I said to Rene today, "It seems like active spirituality is incompatible with our everyday social lives." A good example of this would be when (on numerous ocasions in the past) someone would see me sitting alone, without speaking or any apparent preoccupation, they'd ask "What's wrong?" How can I respond honestly to such a directed question? The intent of the question is based on the assumption that there's a problem that needs to be solved. Frankly, some of my best moments are spent alone, just finding myself and appreciating life. In order to effectively respond to the above question, I'd have to seek out something wrong in my life to respond with. Something's always wrong in everyone's lives at any given moment whether it be big or small. I guess this all comes at a time where I don't want to lose people in my life while trying to seek out what's truly important to me.

My ressolution for this week is to work harder, and hopefully Ken Brown will not be so hard on me.