Uncertain and Afraid

This week has been difficult, when I think about my scene work class. Rachel and I went in for a half-an-hour with Ken on Friday, and when we began I found out that he was in a really critical mind-frame.

I read one of Rachel's recent blog comments, and it may have been directed toward my situation. Ken pushed me, made me feel like my work sucked, and I allowed myself to break-down. I gave myself permission.

Emotions are complicated things, and while Ken's comments were intended to help me become a better actor, I was hurt by his methodology. I figured that when I quit customer service that I was done dealing with people's shit...I already know what the practical voice would say: "But you've got to prepare yourself for that kind of thing in the 'real world.'" All I ask in response is "Where does our humanity fit in, then?" Please don't call me dramatic, because all of this came at a time where I'm re-evaluating my core beliefs. I'm trying to find honesty in my life without sacrificing outward sociability. As I said to Rene today, "It seems like active spirituality is incompatible with our everyday social lives." A good example of this would be when (on numerous ocasions in the past) someone would see me sitting alone, without speaking or any apparent preoccupation, they'd ask "What's wrong?" How can I respond honestly to such a directed question? The intent of the question is based on the assumption that there's a problem that needs to be solved. Frankly, some of my best moments are spent alone, just finding myself and appreciating life. In order to effectively respond to the above question, I'd have to seek out something wrong in my life to respond with. Something's always wrong in everyone's lives at any given moment whether it be big or small. I guess this all comes at a time where I don't want to lose people in my life while trying to seek out what's truly important to me.

My ressolution for this week is to work harder, and hopefully Ken Brown will not be so hard on me.

So tired today. Last night was our Musical Review. It went fairly well for everyone, I think. After that I went to a party with my classmates, but was one of the few who remained sober. Sufficed to say, I am being lazy today, doing laundry, and cleaning house. Oy.

Well, I am going to end this early.

I read Daneel's closing to her blog just now. Sometimes I wonder if people really like me, or if they're just being polite. It scares me to think that I am not as well-liked as I think, and it makes me sad.

Daneel's blog struck me to consider why I am writing this...To escape? Sometimes everyone needs an escape. I think that's why a lot of people write blogs, because they can't find someone who is willing enough or understanding enough to really listen to you or to share your feelings and thoughts/beliefs with.

I want to say that I don't believe that people really understand me...Hehe, I laugh because I am a different person with myself than I am with other people. Even Buddhists need a refuge.

I understand why Daneel would feel cowardly for expressing herself indirectly on her blog, instead of the people she was writing about. I feel like I would feel the same way if I were to do that, so I will try to learn from that.

Happy Thursday

I had a very good day today. First I will discuss a strong positive contribution to my day by discussing a play I saw last night called "Speaking in Tongues". This play was brilliant in my opinion, and I definitely accepted this unconventional method of portraying the lives of many people and their relation to one-another as being extremely relevant and effective.

While I didn't get very much sleep, English class was super-lax as hardly anyone else went. This was good, as I like changes. Next, we didn't have theory today which I was also thrilled about. Instead I worked on some music, and took some time to get caught up on a few other things.

Finally, we had scene work with Ken which I withdrew from as I know that I didn't do all of what I needed to do in order to be prepared for his class. Boo-urns.

Ahh well. I was *also* invited out to see a play with some fronds of mine, but I was tired from last night so I went home. Here I am now.

The end.

Reflection Upon This Day

So of course I had to wait until the last minute to post this myself. It'd be the best and worst decision I've made if I didn't let others speak to me about these issues I've had over the years.

I really wish someone would tell me what to do...Somehow I feel that I would benefit if I were to be forcefully limited in my options so as to choose what I know to be true. At times I've wondered if I make the right choices for myself...At these moments I regret a lot of how I conduct myself.

I am really hot right now. I am sitting on my bed in my room. It's a nice room...Not much in it...Walls are paper-thin which I HATE. That fact in itself will drive me away to live on my own. That fact alone. I kid you not. I have already started looking for places.

Today: Monday, January 17th

Dear Dairy,

I am writing to you because I am most fantastic. I just am. What happened today...

Well, today I had two pretty physically active classes in school today: movement (pilates yoga) and jazz (fun choreography). I was supposed to have tap class in the middle of it all, but our teacher is ill at the moment. Instead, I practiced tap for about thirty minutes and then took a bit of a break.

Hmm...What else happened today. I had a club house sandwich in the cafeteria. It was good.

I then did some scene work with the lovely Rachel White, and we took an extra long break before calling it a day.

The end.

In My Own Little Corner

In My Own Little Corner

Yarr!

The Last Day

Today is the last day of winter break between semesters. Since my last post, I've had TONS of "nothing time" to myself. It has been great. Christmas was good and fun, I got some cool stuff. Christmas night, my dad's friends came over and brought their kids (whom I had not met). Most of them are a lot younger than I am, so when I suggested that we play Monopoly, it wasn't a hard sell. To make a long story short, I won the game after three-and-a-half hours of haggling and investing. I do love Monopoly. One of my most appreciated moments in the game was when a younger guy offered to give me Boardwalk in exchange for Waterworks. He made this offer because he had the other utility, despite the fact that I also had Park Place. It was a straight exchange, and I jumped at the chance. Thousands of dollars brought me hotels and houses, which inevitably caused everyone else to go bankrupt.

In other areas, I've seen a lot of good friends over the break and had the opportunity to appreciate their company after a long semester of preoccupuation with school.

I am going to go now. Good day.