It isn't fair...

It isn't fair but I really, really miss you. Really. And I'm sorry for what I did...All of what I did, and I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that to you, but I did...And I shouldn't have...But I'm sorry...So please, let's work something out...I'm sorry. Boo...:(

No fair...It isn't fair to me or anyone else on this planet...But it isn't fair to begin with...No fair. :(

I like you...No fair.

Fucken Crazies

Yep, angst again. Fucken crazies...Some people say that I'm awesome or good-looking, but in fact I disagree. I really don't trust those comments.

I just broke up with my boyfriend last Sunday. It's been a week...And I'm in a weird place now. I'm in a weird place, because I don't love him...I wish I did. So breaking up with him brought me great relief and great sadness...I wish I had the feelings I needed for him; the feelings he has for me that I can't return.

It's not fair to him, really. I feel very guilty. I should explain why I feel sadness; I feel something meaningful for him, but it isn't love, I hope. I only hope, because loving him only after we broke up would be so fitting...Wouldn't it.

Oy. And then there are other people who want me in their lives, and frankly, while I'm not ready the attention is flattering...But it's weird...I'm sorta creeped out by some. The end.

Meow & Woof and Merry Christmas 2 All.

Hey everyone, (Joel)

Merry Christmas! I am so tired, but I am generally good. I am feeling better today, in terms of having a cold which I had last week.

James is coming home on Boxers Day, which is excellent. I'm defo looking forward to seeing hime and going Boxers Day shopping with him and his sister...He is going to be cooked after having spent the last week in Cuba Gooding Jr.

Cheers, and Happy Holidays!

-Kevin

Stupid Stupid

Hmm...What to write about...I probably could write about why I titled this blog "Stupid Stupid" but that was sort of spontaneous. I tend to be as such.

Many things have transpired since my last post, apparently I haven't written since I moved into my new place. Well, let me inform you of a few of the details without going into too much detail.

I moved into my new place, and had to have them come in and fix some stuff. As of now, there are a few things that STILL haven't been fixed. "Oh hey, Kevin, we haven't forgotten about you, don't worry!" (Yeah that's bullshit)...Funny you should mention that as I run into you in the hallway almost a month after I told you that I have no linen closet door! *sidetracked*

What else...I started a job with Fort Edmonton Park yet again. What am I doing, you may ask? I'm doing something called school programming. Really, it's almost literally self-explanatory aside from all the programs that we do with children. On weekends I do something at Fort Edmonton Park called "Christmas Wishes" where basically I sit around for three hours waiting for people to show up in the park. But no one ever does. I don't mind. Yesterday we baked a cake and made scrambled eggs on the wood stove because it was my supervisors birthday.

What else has happened...Oh, I didn't have a house-warming party simply because I am mostly lazy. I unpacked most of my stuff, but have hardly made my place aesthetically pleasing to the masses. It is still mostly utilitarian in nature.

My relationship with James is going really well. I just rememered and forgot something important, almost simultaneously. Urgh. Oh right! It was my fourth month anniversary with James yesterday, though I think neither of us remembered. But, although it's nice, it IS four months, right? We're not *that* couple, I don't think.

Lots of other stuff has happened, but what. I hate this font...It's way too big and more bold than I would like. I think the only person that reads my blog now is Joel. But that is good, because one person is better than none.

Hello Joel.

I am going to go now. It's facken cold outside, and my car has been running. My sister and I are going to WEM today to do a bit of Christmas shopping.

Today I barely did anything. It's Wednesday; two days after I finished regular season hours at Fort Edmonton. It was a pretty good season, I think. I've really enjoyed working there.

I've been sitting around, planning on cleaning my room and organizing my posessions for "the big move" next Tuesday. I'm moving into a new condo next week, which I'm pretty excited about. Like I said: I've been sitting around all day PLANNING on cleaning, but nothing has been done as of yet. The night is still young.

Something strange: Last night whilst playing a game of Monopoly with some comrades of mine, I suffered an excruciating pain in my right flank. It hurt like a sonovabitch, and it was almost like a cramp. My friends panicked and made me call Capital Health, after fanning me, applying a heating pad and giving me a brief massage...And scaring me about the possibilities of my symptoms. As it turned out, the pain subsided...But I need to ensure that I've really gotten better. I suppose this was a warning sign from my body. I'm grateful that the pain went away.

*looks around the room* God damn, it's messy...

So I'm seeing someone right now. His name is James, he lives in Ottawa, and he's studying medicine at the U of O. I hope you don't think I'm some kind of a floozy because of all the indications here at deliciouspancakes (tm) that I tend to "date it up" with tonnes of guys. The actual fact is that I haven't really dated anyone in a very long, long time. When you're in school for as long as I have been, in the program that I was in, you may empathize with the notion that relationships are at best maintained and rarely started. Unless you're Jesus, then anything's possible.

Thought: Many Jesus' can henceforth be known as Jesi. End thought.

Second thought: Think of the magnitude of having an army of Jesi. They would be unstoppable. End thought.

My room is still messy, what am I going to do...I'm going to the mall in a short while. No, this is not a spontaneous decision to flee the confines of work...Well, it's not a spontaneous decision. I'm going to buy a new stereo with the money that I made at the Fringe this year. P.S. Contrary to what I might have said in the past, the Fringe fucken rocks.

I can sleep in tomorrow, hoo rah. Though in all honesty, I've been conditioned to get up at almost exactly 8:20 a.m. every single day for the past four months that I have found it strange that even now that I can sleep in, I don't. Bastards.

Second P.S. I am going to have a potluck house warming party. When? In a couple of weeks. It's going to be interesting, because I really won't have that much room and I know quite a few people. So hopefully I have just enough, not too many, not too little people. Well, I'll have Joel there so he's the exception (being a little person). The end. I'll sorta clean my room today, probably maybe. Cheers.

I must update.

I must update my blog. Things happen, but I don't necessarily feel compelled to write them down here. I always talk about my relationships with guys on this thing...That's, I suppose, my release...Sometimes I don't say the things that I should. Perhaps if you read my posts you might think that I go out with a lot of guys...I think you might think that. That's just me though.

What else. Fort Edmonton Park. That's right. I love the place, I work there, it's fantastico. Perpetually entertaining to work there. Always. Especially during our incredibly cheesy vignettes which I love. The end.

What else...Stupid God Damned Fucking Fringe. I fucking hate it. FUCK. How do I feel? Better, a bit.

Fucking Fringe. Fucking Fringe...

More Ridiculous Relationship Blogs, AND a comment on that.

So first the comment. I realize that I mostly post relationship junk on this blog, but I think that's when I feel my most vulnerable, off-balance, and reflective...When I'm hurt and in need of a creative outlet to express how I feel. Writing does that for me, and where better than this blog...That's not entirely rhetorical, but anyhow...

So I met this guy. Of course...Yes, I met this guy. He was really great. Thankfully he'll never find my blog, so I can write about him here...Thank God. Anyway, this guy. His name is Chris. He's a really great guy, and we'd been casually seeing eachother for about a month.

Now why should I care that much? Well, I have been doing some thinking...I had JUST gotten over the last guy that I had dated a really, really long time ago...Ugh...But anyway, I told myself that I would focus on really giving this guy all the respect that I think he deserves...Everyone's got baggage and I was starting to really, truly get rid of mine 'cause I honestly wanted this to work out with him. (*Note, my lesson is to deal with my baggage regardless of who is in my life, because I am worth a healthy life) Anyway, we've been seeing eachother...I've kept things very, very casual. Holding hands was a big thing when it happened, and I had to initiate it. But...I kept things casual because we're just getting to know eachother and he's hardly got any time per week to see me, like three hours a week, or less!

So I couldn't afford to invest too much too soon, because he's very busy...I secretly hoped to get closer with him when his schedule freed up, but when would that be? He's ridiculously busy almost all the time...It's a shame. But I knew that, and I told myself that I was going to work on that...I was really going to honestly try and make this thing work...

So things were going really well...We recently had our last date...And then a couple of days later, boom, he TEXT MESSAGES me about how it's not working out. What a total fucking unexpected *surprise*. Oh well. I like(d) the guy, but...It's over, and it wouldn't work out anytime in the future...I have no faith in someone who'd dump me without a discussion first. Yep. Anyway, that's my shoulder sleeve life...Read it and appreciate...

-Kevin